Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
