I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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