If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just invented taco cereal.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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