My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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