are you still at the devil's house?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize