I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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