im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
