I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
