I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
