hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
