Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
