Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
