I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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