I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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