My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
