It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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