My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize