Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
