i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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