she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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