I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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