So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
