and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
