hotel room ftw
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
the liver wants what the liver wants
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
