I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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