did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
