i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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