a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
