Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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