Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
