I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
