If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
