the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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