SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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