If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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