I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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