I was born with a shot glass in my hand
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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