Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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