Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
