Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize