i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
