did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
