Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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