walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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