New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
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