They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
