She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's blow job season.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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