i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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