The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
