I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
