Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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