The maid of honor just puked.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
