He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize