I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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