Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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