Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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