oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Randomize
