Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
